The Assassins of OZ
by Vampire Goddess Eve
Summary: What happens when Yohji falls asleep from drugs? A magical journey with some...er a lot...of twists! PARODY OF the Wizard of OZ


The Assassins of OZ- by Eve Fumihiro  
  
Yohji-Dorothy Ken- Cowardly Lion Omi- Scarecrow Aya- Tin Man Persia- The Wizard Schuldich- Wicked Witch Rest of Schwartz- Flying Monkeys Manx- Good Witch Schreient- Munchkins Black Valentine-Onyx City Citizens Neu- Toto Farfi- Dead witch *********** Ch 1  
  
Omi: G'night Yohji! I'll wake you up in the morning! ::smiles insanely and waves::  
  
Yohji: ::enters his bedroom and falls onto his bed, falling asleep instantly::  
  
***********  
  
::Yohji is standing in the middle of a field with Neu on a leash beside him. In the distance there is a cheesy looking lil' farm. Yohji looks down and realizes he's wearing a hot pink pink, frilly dress & holding a picnic basket::  
  
Yohji: WTF?!!! @__@  
  
Neu: Woof!  
  
Yohji: WTF?!!! @__@ Wow! You really are a bitch! Whadda ya know!  
  
Neu: Grrrr.  
  
::Yohji & Neu go to the farm to find Schu standing in the middle of the living room with a random sheriff. The sheriff grabs Neu's leash and goes outside::  
  
Yohji: WTF?!!!  
  
Schu: I'm sick of your damn bitch biting me! So, I'm making her my concubine!  
  
Yohji: WTF?!!!  
  
Schu: HAHA! ::leaves and puts Neu on the back of his bike and starts pedaling toward home. ½ way there, Neu jumps off and runs home::  
  
Yohji: WTF?!!! :scurries around frantically:: I must get my bitch back!  
  
Neu: ::stands at doorway, glaring::  
  
Yohji: NEU! ::mega-glomps Neu::  
  
Neu: Ret Roff Rof Re! {translation: Get off of me!} ::throws him into nearby wall::  
  
Yohji: @_@ ::is dazed::  
  
:: Suddenly, the vicious tornado sweeps through the farm, lifting the two, along with the house, into ungodly heights, swirling them around like a washing machine would with clothes::  
  
Yohji: WTF?!!! ::Pulls out 90 bottles of sake and drains them all. He slumps over on the floor and Neu shakes her head at him:: **********  
  
:: Suddenly, the house plummets to the ground, landing in foreign grounds::  
  
Farfie: Get off! .bleagh.::is dead::  
  
Farfie's ghost: NO! I CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ::rises into the sky and disappears::  
  
Yohji: ::groggily reawakens and looks out the window:: Aw.lookie! There's a dead Farfie under our house.::hiccups::  
  
Neu: ::Shudders:: Ri ron't rother. {I won't bother} ::walks outside::  
  
Yohji: ::follows Neu:: Hey, look a' all da perty flowers! ::stumbles and falls into the flowers::  
  
::Giggles are heard and one large sarcastic snort::  
  
Yohji: WTF?!!!  
  
Neu: ::pees on flowers::  
  
Yohji: ::sees Neu peeing:: WTF?!!!  
  
::Suddenly, a large green bubble appears and floats down to Yohji, getting bigger by the second. When it touches the ground, the bubble disappears and Manx is standing there::  
  
Manx: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?  
  
Yohji: WTF?!!!  
  
Manx: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?  
  
Yohji: I'm no friggin' witch!  
  
Manx: ::points at Neu who has trotted over, finished with marking her territory:: Well, then is that the witch?  
  
Yohji: No, that's a Bitch, not a witch. ::scratches Neu behind the ear::  
  
Neu: Grrrr.::pees on Manx::  
  
Manx: ::kicks Neu:: WTF?!  
  
Yohji: NO! It's "WTF?!!!" not "WTF?!"!  
  
Manx: Fine, WTF?!!!  
  
Yohji: There ya go!  
  
Manx: ::looks around:: It's OK, you can come out now!  
  
::3 girls, Tot, Hell, & Schoen, come out of the flowers::  
  
Hell: You don't look like a witch.  
  
Yohji: I'M NOT A FRIGGIN' WITCH! ALL RIGHT?!  
  
Tot: Meep.  
  
Schoen: Yeah..  
  
Manx: o__O;; Yeah.well, you've just killed the infamous Farfarello, Wicked Witch of the East. ::points over to Farfie's feet:: Well, go get them.  
  
Yohji: O__O WTF?!!!  
  
::Suddenly, with a hazardously smoky, green POOF!, the Wicked Witch of the West appears and flicks Yohji off::  
  
Schu: Those are MY slippers, foo! ::points to steel-toed neon pink spike- heeled shoes:: So back off!  
  
Yohji: No way! They SO match my outfit better than yours!  
  
Schu: So? What's wrong with a bright blue pleather jumpsuit?! They match perfectly fine!  
  
Yohji: NO! It goes perfectly more with MY outfit!  
  
Schu: NO! MINE!  
  
::Yohji & Schu glared at each other and dove for the shoes at the same time. Yohji got there first and Schu tackled him and the 2 got in a cat fight::  
  
Neu: Ro Rohji! {No Yohji}  
  
::Finally, Yohji crawled out and Schu proceeded to beat himself up. Yohji pulled on the slippers & Schu finally realized he wasn't there::  
  
Schu: GIVE ME THOSE SLIPPERS!  
  
Yohji: No way! Here, ::he tossed his old, black Mary Jane's at him:: you can have those!  
  
Schu: ::glares:: I. WANT. THOSE!  
  
Yohji: Too bad! ::smiles::  
  
Schu: ::dives for shoes and is met by rockets coming out from the toes that explode in his face:: OW! ::looks at black & bleeding hands, tears budding in his eyes:: I'll get you for this! And you're lil' bitch too! ::POOF! And he disappeared::  
  
Hell, Tot & Schoen: YAY! ::start singing:: Bing Bong the bitch is dead! The bitch is dead! The bitch is dead! ::Ack.off key::  
  
::Yohji and Manx fall on the floor with their hands over their ears::  
  
Yohji: ACK! Stop singing! It is death to my ears!  
  
::The 3 stop singing and Tot pouts, but says nothing. Yohji and Manx stand::  
  
Manx: ::coughs into her fists:: Ahem.well, congrats with the shoes. You'd best keep them on if you want to be LIVING when you meet the Wizard.  
  
Yohji: ::blinks:: Wizard?  
  
Manx: You wanna go home? Then go find the wizard.  
  
Yohji: Who said I wanna go home?  
  
Manx: ME! YOU WANT TO GO HOME!  
  
Yohji: ::pouts:: But, I like this drug-induced dream!  
  
Manx: Too bad. You are going to go home. Now, to get to the wizard, you have to get to the Onyx City. To get there, follow the lavender brick road.  
  
Yohji: Where's the road?  
  
Manx: You're standing on it, idiot.  
  
Yohji: ::looks down and sees lavender bricks beneath the shoes:: OOOOooooo.  
  
Manx: Now, go!  
  
Yohji: Come on Neu! ::the 2 trot off down the road:: We're off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of OZ! If ever a wonderful wizard there was the wizard of OZ is one because, because, because, because! Because of the wonderful things he does! We're off to see the wizard.  
  
Ch 2  
  
::Yohji and Neu skip down the lavender-colored road when they came to an intersection in the road. A freaky looking scarecrow with a face of a young boy was residing in the fields by one of the side roads, singing a strange songs in a high-pitched, off-key voice:: Here's a lovely song about my favorite food!  
  
Lima, Lento, Soy & Pinto  
  
Navy, Northern, & Garbanzo! Kidneys & ___________ , Negroids I love beans!  
  
I love beans! Woo Woo Woo! I love beans! How 'bout you?!  
  
High in fiber! Low in fat! Hey I bet ya didn't know that!  
  
When I eat beans I sit in my own little cloud. Nobody come to visit me In my little cloud I don't know why, Maybe its 'cause I'm cuttin' muffins!  
  
Because I love beans Hey hey hey! I love beans Everyday!  
  
Beans are an excellent source of protein I love beans! Doo dee doo!  
  
Yohji: WTF?!!  
  
Omi: ::turns to see Yohji and Neu staring at him:: Hey! Wassup?! ::runs over and glomps Yohji:: Where are you headed?  
  
Yohji: @_@ I'm going to see the wizard so he can end this drug-induced dream and send me home.  
  
Neu: Rat's right! {That's right!}  
  
Omi: Really? I've heard of this wizard dude! They say he can do ANYTHING! Hmmm.Do you think he'd give me a brain?  
  
Yohji: A brain? Ah, come on, you don't need a brain!  
  
Omi: Maybe.But I want one! See, all of these birds come and laugh at me while they eat my corn. I want to be able to scare them away! I'm supposed to be a SCAREcrow, not a SOMETHING-TO-LAUGH-AT-CROW! ::tears well up in his eyes:: So could I please come with you?  
  
Yohji: ::shrugs:: Sure, why not, you can be like my court jester or something.Now, make me laugh!  
  
Omi: OK! ::Starts to sing:: Here's a lovely song about my favorite food!  
  
Lima, Lento, Soy & Pinto  
  
Navy, Northern, & Garbanzo! Kidneys & ___________ , Negroids I love beans!  
  
I love beans! Woo Woo Woo! I love beans! How 'bout you?!  
  
High in fiber! Low in fat! Hey I bet ya didn't know that!  
  
When I eat beans I sit in my own little cloud. Nobody come to visit me In my little cloud I don't know why, Maybe its 'cause I'm cuttin' muffins!  
  
Because I love beans Hey hey hey! I love beans Everyday!  
  
Beans are an excellent source of protein I love beans! Doo dee doo!  
  
Yohji: Uh.yeah.::is scared:: Well, uh. let's just get going!  
  
::The 3 of them skip off down the lavender brick road singing the bean song::  
  
Ch. 3  
  
::Yohji, Neu, and Omi-the-Scarecrow are skipping through an orchard of cherry trees. Yohji looks up at them and digs through his picnic basket::  
  
Yohji: I need some cherries! I don't have any! How stupid of that was me! I have everything else in here, even the kitchen sink! ::skips over to the trees as Schu comes tiptoeing out of them, a smirk on his face. Yohji picks a few cherries and drops them in his picnic basket::  
  
Tree: Hey! Stop that!  
  
Yohji: No! I want cherries!  
  
Tree: Well, how would you like it if someone came along and picked something off of you, huh? I'm so under appreciated! Let's get her boys!  
  
Yohji: I'm a guy, you asexual tree!  
  
::The trees start bombarding them with cherries and the 3 run for cover. When they stop, the 3 start to pick them up and put them in the basket.::  
  
Omi: Why did you want cherries any way?  
  
Yohji: Don't you know that cherries are a sexual fruit? ::continues picking them up::  
  
::Suddenly, Yohji comes into a small clearing to see a Tin Man who looks strangely like Aya frozen in the act of chopping down a tree.::  
  
Yohji: Yo, Laugh-At-Crow! Come look at this!  
  
Omi: ::Comes running over:: What? Whoa! A man made out of tin! Cool!  
  
::a whisper comes from the Tin Man:: Get me oil!  
  
Yohji: What was that? ::leans closer::  
  
Aya: Get me oil!  
  
Yohji: I still can't hear you!  
  
Aya: ::yelling:: GET ME OIL!  
  
Yohji: OK! You don't have to yell! I can hear perfectly well!  
  
::Omi and Neu look for oil while Yohji pulls out a brush and starts on his hair::  
  
Omi: ::running over with a can of Pennzoil:: Got it! ::Dumps it on the Aya's head and drenches him in the slick black substance::  
  
Aya: Thanks. ::Wipes oil from his eyes and puts down axe::  
  
Yohji: ::bangs on the Aya's chest:: Sounds empty.  
  
Aya: Yup, I have no heart to fill it.  
  
Omi: Well, I bet the wizard could give you one!  
  
Aya: But I don't want-  
  
::Omi and Yohji seize Aya's arms and pull him down the road singing the bean song, Aya trying desperately to get away::  
  
Ch 4  
  
::Yohji and Omi are still pulling Aya along down the lavender brick road as they enter a forest. Neu is trailing along behind them looking up Yohji's dress. Suddenly, a roar fills the forest. The four of them halt and a yellow river flows down Omi's leg::  
  
Omi: What was that?  
  
Yohji: I dunno.Aya, what do you think?  
  
Aya: Probably a tiger, a bear, or a Ken.  
  
Yohji: A tiger!  
  
Omi: A bear!  
  
Aya: Or a Ken.  
  
Omi: Oh shit!  
  
::Omi and Yohji link arms and tiptoe down the lavender brink road::  
  
Omi & Yohji: Tigers and bears and Kens, oh shit! Tigers and bears and Kens, oh shit! Tigers and bears and Kens, oh shit!  
  
::Out of the blue, a large creature leaps out of the trees and chases Yohji around a tree::  
  
Yohji: AH!!!  
  
Creature: Come here! I'm gonna eat you!  
  
Yohji: AH!!! SHIT!!! WTF?!!!  
  
Neu: ::jumps on the creature's back and bites its ear. The creature slows down and is revealed to be a lion:: Rare roo ro row roo rave ro rick ron rosers rike Rohji?! {Are you so low you have to pick on losers like Yohji?!}  
  
Lion: Hey! Why'd you bite me? ::wipes tear from his eye:: I wasn't gonna hurt him!  
  
Yohji: ::looks at the lion:: KEN?! What the heck? Well, we've got the whole posse here now!  
  
Ken: ::Looks at Yohji like he's crazy as he wipes his nose on his tail:: Who the hell are you?  
  
Yohji: I'm Yohji, you idiot!  
  
Ken: Um.yeah.so, where're you guys headed?  
  
Omi: We're going to see the wizard!  
  
Ken: Why?  
  
Omi: Well, I'm going to get a brain. Aya's going to get a heart. And Yohji is going to wake up from his drug-induced dream!  
  
Ken: Do you think he'd give me some courage?  
  
Yohji: Sure! Why not?! Come with us!  
  
Ken: OK!  
  
::They continue to skip down the road singing the Bean Song and dragging Aya::  
  
Ch 5  
  
::About ten minutes after Ken had joined them, they arrived in a field full of green, leafy marijuana plants.::  
  
Yohji: Sweet! I wonder if I can have a drug-induced dream in a drug- induced dream! ::He picked a leaf and rolled it.:: Hey, does anyone have a light? It seems I left mine in my other bra.  
  
Omi: ::whips lighter out of.uh.yeah:: Here! ::gives it to Yohji::  
  
Ken: ::picks and rolls leaf::  
  
Yohji: ::lights up and smokes:: Yeah, that's the good stuff!  
  
Ken: ::takes lighter from Yohji and follows suite::  
  
::Before long, Yohji and Omi are passed out. Soon after them, Neu went down from the fumes.::  
  
Omi: OH NO! Aya! What do we do?! What do we do?!  
  
Aya: ::shrugs and attempts to sneak away::  
  
Omi: ::catches Aya by the elbow:: Come on Aya! Think! You have a brain, I don't! What do we do?!  
  
Aya: ::rolls his eyes:: We should leave them.  
  
::All of a sudden, Manx appears and whispers in Omi's ear. Then, she disappears again::  
  
Omi: Good thinking Manx! ::pulls down his pants and pees on the three passed out ones::  
  
::Yohji, Ken, and Neu awaken::  
  
Ken: Why do I smell like urine?  
  
Omi: Beats me! Hey! Look! ::Points to a black shape in the distance:: It's the Onyx City!  
  
Yohji: YAY! Let's go!  
  
::They run down the lavender brick road, dragging Aya again as he fights to get away::  
  
Ch 6  
  
::The great black city looms in front of the four guys and they approach the front gate::  
  
Yohji: ::skips up to the gate and pushes the doorbell::  
  
Gatekeeper: ::opens little window to see who it is:: Who are you?  
  
Yohji: I'm me!  
  
Gatekeeper: ::smacks himself in the face:: NO! What is your name?  
  
Yohji: Guess!  
  
Gatekeeper: OK, "Guess", why do you want to get in here?  
  
Yohji: My name isn't "Guess"! I wanted you to guess what my name is!  
  
Gatekeeper: I don't have time for this crap. ::Slams window shut::  
  
Yohji: ::rings doorbell again::  
  
Gatekeeper: ::opens window again:: What?!  
  
Yohji: Let us in!  
  
Gatekeeper: You again! What do you want?!  
  
Yohji: We need to see the wizard!  
  
Gatekeeper: ::laughs hysterically:: You? You want to see the almighty Wizard?!  
  
Yohji: Duh, that's what I just said!  
  
Gatekeeper: ::is laughing so hard he almost pees himself:: Don't you know that the wizard never sees anyone?  
  
Yohji: Oh, he'll see me! I've got the hot-pink-steel-toed-spike-heeled shoes!  
  
Gatekeeper: ::looks at Yohji's feet and stops laughing:: OMG! Come in! Come in! I can't guarantee that he'll see you, but come in before you blow the door up!  
  
Yohji: ::to himself:: I can blow things up? ::shrugs::  
  
::Gate opens and the four enter to see Black Valentine standing there. Eve is dressed in her usual black trench coat and pants. Mei is in a black straightjacket. Vanadise was in a black sundress and Rie was wearing pink pants and tube top. They rush over to their bishies::  
  
Eve: ::huggles Aya::  
  
Vanadise: ::glomps Ken::  
  
Mei: ::attempts to break out of straightjacket and glomp Omi::  
  
Rie: ::stares at Yohji's dress:: WTF?!!!  
  
Yohji: Eh heh heh.  
  
Rie: Why. Are. You. Wearing. That?  
  
Yohji: Uh.ask the authoress.  
  
Rie: ::Stomps over to where Eve and Aya are snogging:: WHY IS YOHJI IN A PINK DRESS AND HIGH HEELS?!  
  
Eve: ::pauses the snogging:: Um.because he looks like an idiot in it and it's funny. Just ask the readers!  
  
Minion readers: ::appear and say blandly:: Yes, we like it. It is very funny. Heeheehee. ::disappear::  
  
Eve: ::goes back to snogging Aya::  
  
Rie: ::sighs and goes over to Yohji:: Sorry, guess you're stuck.  
  
Yohji: Damn.oh well. ::starts making out with Rie::  
  
:: When everyone was thoroughly worn out from.uh.yeah.they went into one of the great black buildings and slept. In the morning, the four girls pampered their boys and got them ready to visit the wizard. They even made the gatekeeper give Neu a bath, though he wasn't complaining. XP When they were done Vanadise appeared with a carriage that was drawn by six black panthers. The guys climbed in, getting goodbye kisses, and were taken to the heart of the city, a large, shiny, black building. Vanadise left them there, giving Ken a final kiss.::  
  
Yohji: Uh.what are we supposed to do? ::looks directly at the entrance blankly::  
  
Aya: ::attempts to sneak away, but is caught by Omi::  
  
Omi: Come on guys! I'm gonna get a brain! ::links arms with Yohji and pulls Aya along, leaving Ken to follow:: We're gonna see the wizard!  
  
::all traverse down the seemingly never-ending black tunnel, lit only with purplish-glowing black lights. Finally, they reach the end, exhausted::  
  
Ch 7  
  
::The guys enter cautiously, tiptoeing around, Neu at their heels, suddenly, flames shoot up out of a large grill in the middle of the room and the wizard's head appears. It looks suspiciously like Persia::  
  
Persia's head: Who dares disturb my slumber?  
  
Eve: ::pops in:: It's The Wizard of Oz! Not Aladdin, you arse!  
  
Persia's Head: Whoops!  
  
Eve: ::rolls eyes, kisses Aya and disappears::  
  
Persia's Head: Who are you to be calling upon the almighty Blizzard of Oz?  
  
Eve: ::appears again:: WIZARD! NOT BLIZZARD! GET IT RIGHT! ::kissies Aya again and disappears::  
  
Persia's Head: Who are you to be calling upon the almighty WIZARD of Oz?  
  
Yohji: Um.Persia, you already know us all.we're Weiss.  
  
Persia's Head: I know not of what you speak!  
  
Yohji: Fine! I'll play your game! I am Yohji, oh mighty wizard! I come from a long way away, carried by a drug-induced dream. I ask you to send me home!  
  
Persia's Head: Fine! Go home! I send you home!  
  
Eve: ::appears:: PERSIA! DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU!  
  
Persia's Head: ::cowers::  
  
Eve: Yeah, that's what I thought! ::kissies Aya yet again & disappears::  
  
Persia's Head: What do you other creatures want?  
  
Omi: I want a brain your almighty wizard-ness-ness!  
  
Persia's Head: ::rolls eyes & mumbles to self:: Well, you've always needed one.  
  
Ken: I request courage, oh great wizard!  
  
Aya: ::is sneaking away::  
  
Omi: ::catches Aya and pulls him back:: Aya wants a heart!  
  
Persia's Head: ::in shock:: Really? Aya really wants a heart?!  
  
Omi, Ken, and Yohji: ::nodding:: Yes!  
  
Aya: NO!  
  
Persia's Head: Very well, you shall have your wishes granted if you bring me the vacuum of the Wicked Schuldich of the West!  
  
Yohji: Um.don't you mean broom?  
  
Persia's Head: Nah, brooms are out of date. Vacuums are quicker.  
  
Yohji: Yeah. OK, we'll do it!  
  
Persia's Head: Deal! Now, get out of my house!  
  
::They guys leave with Neu trailing after them, wondering how to get to Schu's place. They some how make it back down the immensely long tunnel and into the Onyx City where the girls are waiting for them, but before they can reach Black Valentine, a letter comes shooting out of the tunnel and hits Yohji in the back of the head.::  
  
Yohji: WTF?!!!  
  
Rie: ::Picks up letter and reads envelope:: "Directions to Schu's place for the Guys and the Bitch". ::hands it to Yohji:: Here you go.  
  
Yohji: ::takes envelope::  
  
::All of the guys kiss their girls one last time and start out towards Schu's castle off in the distant West::  
  
Ch 8  
  
::The guys pull Aya down the road as Yohji leads them toward Schuldich's castle. Before long, they are in a beautiful forest with happy looking animals prancing around and playing together::  
  
Ken: AHHHHH! It's a baby deer! ::latches onto Aya:: SAVE ME!  
  
Aya: ::shakes Ken off & remains silent, but is really appalled by so many happy looking things::  
  
::Signs appear, posted to trees. They say "THIS WAY TO SCHU'S PLACE", but, being men, they disregard them and soon are lost, because Yohji was too manly (gasp, I'm in shock!) to stop and ask for directions::  
  
Aya: Where are we?  
  
Yohji: We're here, DUH!  
  
Aya: Where is here?  
  
Yohji: Here is here, DUH!  
  
Aya: ::rolls eyes and gives up on him::  
  
Ken: I think we should back track.  
  
Yohji: Good idea!  
  
::They start back the way that they came, but all of a sudden, three winged figures appear in the sky and come closer, until they finally land. The winged monkeys look "surprisingly" like Nagi, Farfarello, and Crawford::  
  
Crawford: Hand over the shoes.  
  
Omi: ::starts taking off his shoes::  
  
Crawford: No! Not YOU! Him! ::points to Yohji::  
  
Yohji: No way! You're not getting these!  
  
Crawford: OK, then we'll have to do this the hard way. Come on Farf.  
  
::Crawford and Farfie grab Yohji's arms and fly off with him. Nagi seizes Neu by the leg and takes off, struggling to stay in the air. The directions that Yohji had been holding flutter to the ground::  
  
Aya: ::picks up directions and reads them out loud:: "To get to Schuldich's castle, just follow the arrows". I knew it. ::glares at where the flying assassins were disappearing into the sky::  
  
Ken: Come on, let's go save him.  
  
::The three go back and follow the arrows. Soon enough, they are at the base of the mountain that Schu's castle is perched on::  
  
Omi: Let's go! ::starts off towards the castle::  
  
Ken: ::grabs Omi and pulls him back:: No! We need a plan! And seeing as how you're brainless and we had to drag Aya here, it leaves it to me!  
  
Aya: No. I would like to stay alive. I'll come up with the plan.  
  
::several hours later, the three were scaling the mountain by the cover of darkness, Omi pulling himself up on Ken's tail::  
  
MEANWHILE.  
  
::As soon as Crawford, Farfie, and Nagi land, Schu takes Yohji and locks him in a dungeon. Then, he locks Neu in a separate one. He dismisses the monkeys and has a visit with Yohji::  
  
Schu: Hello there Yohji, would you like a drink? Hmmm? How about some Make-Me-Schuldich's-Slave Potion?  
  
Yohji: No way! How do I know that it isn't a potion you made to make me your slave?  
  
Schu: Darn it all! I knew you were clever, but I didn't think that you were that smart! Well, how about you take a nice bath and put those pretty shoes out for polishing so that I can steal them?  
  
Yohji: No! You might steal them!  
  
Schu: Darn it! Fine! You've pushed me to this! Crawford! Farf! Nagi! Take the bitch to my secret sexual torture chamber that is really my bedroom that is totally secret!  
  
Yohji: NO!  
  
::sounds of a door unlocking and barking and growling::  
  
Schu: Those are just the sounds of Farf masturbating, no need to worry, though it does sound a lot like my monkeys taking Neu to my secret sexual torture chamber that is really my bedroom that is totally secret!  
  
Yohji: NO! RUN NEU! RUN! GO GET THE GUYS AND TELL THEM WHERE I AM! GO! YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!  
  
::sounds of a bitch running and three people running after her::  
  
Schu: Damn you, Yohji! You've driven me to this! ::pulls out an hourglass:: When this top part is empty, your time is up unless you give me those shoes! Otherwise, you are going to be my love slave for all eternity! ::storms from room::  
  
Yohji: AHHH! NOOOO! ACK! EVE! How can you be so cruel!  
  
Eve: ::appears, points and laughs & disappears::  
  
Ch 9  
  
::Aya, Ken, & Omi sneak around the castle grounds and eventually wind up finding an unlocked backdoor. The three of them sneak into the kitchen as Neu attempts to rush out, knocking Ken and Omi over::  
  
Ken: Neu! WTF?!  
  
Neu: Rohji's runna rell rat roo ror rat. {Yohji's gonna yell at you for that}  
  
Ken: I don't care right now.  
  
Aya: ::slips back out the door, but Omi grabs him::  
  
Omi: Neu, do you know where Yohji is?  
  
Neu: Rollow re! {Follow me!}  
  
::Neu takes off with the three following her, knocking down guards along the way::  
  
MEANWHILE.  
  
Schu: ::Comes into Yohji's cell and looks at the hourglass:: Haha! You only have seconds left! I'll wait for you outside!  
  
Yohji: ::Sticks his tongue out at Schu and flips the hourglass over as soon as he's gone:: You'll never get my shoes! Never! And you will never have me! Never!  
  
Schu: ::Comes back in:: WHAT?! My eyes must be playing tricks on me. Is that thing full or empty?  
  
Yohji: Oh, it's full.  
  
Schu: Damn that thing's slow. I'll have to find another one later.I suppose that's what I get for buying it at a flea market.oh well. YOU SHALL SOON BE MY SLAVE! THEN I SHALL HAVE YOU AND THE SHOES! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Yohji: Kiss my ass, Schu.  
  
Schu: No, you shall soon be kissing mine! ::leaves the room::  
  
Yohji: Please hurry Neu! ::looks around:: EVE! YOU HAD BETTER SAVE ME FROM THIS OR RIE-CHAN IS GOING TO KICK YOUR BUTT!  
  
::BANG! The door falls down and Aya, Ken, Omi and Neu fall in. Eve appears in the middle of the room.::  
  
Eve: I didn't do this to make you happy Yohji, and I didn't do it to save my skin. It's the way the story goes. ::kissies Aya and disappears::  
  
Ken: Come on, Yohji! Schu could be back any minute!  
  
Yohji: All right, all right!  
  
::The 5 exit the room to run into Schu and the monkeys::  
  
Schu: Get them!  
  
Omi: Farfarello? I thought you were dead!  
  
Farf: Heehee, heaven wouldn't take me and hell was afraid I'd take over, so I came back.  
  
Omi: OOOOooooooh.  
  
Schu: This is no time for idle talk! I said to get them!  
  
Brad: You know, since when have you been in charge? Last time I checked the websites they listed me as the leader.  
  
Schu: Um.well.uh.  
  
Farf: Yeah, and why do I have to listen to you? I don't even listen to God.  
  
Nagi: I'm too young to know much of anything, so I'll side with the people who have more.Hmmm.ok! Schu! Let Yohji go! You are evil and.uh.evil! And.um.bad!  
  
Schu: No! I need those shoes!  
  
Neu: ::trots over to Schu and pees on his leg::  
  
::Suddenly, steam starts erupting from Schu's legs and swirls around his body::  
  
Schu: AHHH! No! Why! Bitch piss is the only thing that can destroy me! No! Save me! I'm melting! I'm melting! ::Disappears in a huge eruption, leaving behind only a foul smell::  
  
Nagi: Farf! Peeew! No more beans for you!  
  
Farf: It wasn't me!  
  
Omi: It was me! I love beans, woo woo woo!  
  
::All clap their hands over his mouth and then remove them::  
  
Ken: Where's the vacuum?  
  
Brad: It's in the closet downstairs. What do you want it for? Think of opening the "White Cross Cleaning Service"?  
  
Yohji: No, we need to give it to the wizard so that he'll end my drug- induced dream.  
  
Nagi: Oh.I'll get it! ::runs away and returns a few moments later with the Dirt Devil::  
  
Yohji: Thanks!  
  
::Weiss leaves the castle and heads back towards the Onyx City::  
  
Ch 10  
  
::All four are shown tugging a struggling Aya into the wizard's inner chamber. Persia's head appears in the grill again::  
  
Persia: What? You again?!  
  
Yohji: We have brought you the vacuum of the wicked witch of the west!  
  
Persia: How the hell did you manage that? I've sent over 100 people there to do that and no one succeeded!  
  
Omi: Neu peed on him!  
  
Persia: Oh.  
  
Yohji: Now we would like what you promised us!  
  
Persia: What did you want again? Something about an ever-lasting condom was it?  
  
Ken: No! I want some courage! Omi needs a brain. Aya wants a heart, and Yohji wants to get the heck outta here.  
  
Persia: Oh yeah.well.come back some other time.  
  
All but Aya: WHAT?!  
  
Aya: YES!  
  
Neu: ::notices trapdoor with cables running from it to the large grill and goes over to it. She grabs the rope handle in her teeth and pulls it open, revealing Persia talking into a megaphone::  
  
Persia: Get that dog out of here! Give that man in the hidden room no attention whatsoever!  
  
Ken: Persia, give it up! I want my courage!  
  
Persia: Fine.::pulls a sticker that says "Courage" out from his pockets:: Here you are! Your official badge of courage! ::sticks it on Ken's forehead::  
  
Ken: WOW! I feel so brave! ::does a funky victory dance::  
  
Persia: Omi, you wanted.  
  
Omi: A brain!  
  
Persia: OK then.::reaches down into the room and pulls out a brain made of green Jell-O:: Here you are!  
  
Omi: OMG! I'm smart! I'm smart!  
  
Persia: Aya.um.::pulls silver locket out of the trapdoor room:: Here.  
  
Aya: ::takes it and puts it in his pocket::  
  
Yohji: What about me?  
  
Persia: I'm sorry but I don't think I have anything that can help you. You see, I'm not really a wizard. I flew here in a parachute while I was escaping an obsessed ex-girlfriend. Black Valentine set me up here.because.uh.I dunno why, but they did.  
  
Yohji: Darn it.  
  
Persia: Yeah, hey! You know what! I bet I could get us outta here with that old parachute! I'll hold you and jump off the highest building, and we'll glide on outta here!  
  
Yohji: OK!  
  
Persia: I'll go get everything ready!  
  
Ch 11  
  
::Persia and Yohji are standing up on the top of a building. Below them, Rie is restrained in Mei's spare straightjacket::  
  
Rie: NO! Yohji!  
  
Persia: OK! Let's go!  
  
Yohji: Wait! Neu! ::lets go of Persia just as he jumps::  
  
::Persia plummets to the ground and splatters, his parachute was faulty. (AN: Oh no! That was not rigged, oh never! Why would we want Persia to die! Oh no! It's sooo horrible I can hardly stand to think of it).::  
  
Yohji: Great, how am I supposed to get home now?  
  
::Great big green bubble comes floating in and Manx appears::  
  
Manx: You can!  
  
Yohji: WHAT?!  
  
Manx: Just jump up and down three times and say "I want outta this drug- induced dream"!  
  
Yohji: OK!  
  
::Yohji closes his eyes and jumps up and down saying the incantation. When he opens his eyes again, he's staring up at the ceiling of his room.::  
  
Yohji: WOO HOO! ::looks outside to see a strange landscape full of flowers. He steps over Neu curled up asleep on the floor to go outside where he hears strange giggles coming from the flora::  
  
THE END!  
  
AN: Please do not preach and berate me! This is just a comical thingy- doo! Even if that IS what I really think of Farfie! Thanks for reading it! 


End file.
